I love that no one reads my blog!!!!!!!! It's 10:10PM This is from this morning! 

May 14th 2010. 7:54AM I’ve been laying awake for a while now. I woke up thinking of memories of when I was a child. I was thinking of times as far back as I can remember when I must have been 3 or so. I also thought about times when things were just good. Not great or not even the bad times but when they were just good. I believe we create our own trials and tribulations. Even in the midst of a disaster, we make the choice whether we are going to allow this to defeat us or whether we choose to overcome this. I can’t allow myself to keep living the way that I am. Life is way too short. My memories of being 3 years old are as close to me as I am 30 now. I won’t let another moment slip by without me allowing it to have the possibility of being good. I need to make a choice and follow through with it. I’ve made mistakes but I have a whole bright future ahead of me... including today. 

Today's my 30th Birthday! Ha I can't believe it, seemed like yesterday I was turning 21! It's 10:57PM and I'm glad the day is over and you would be too if you spent the day with them too! lol. There is one person that didn't say Happy Birthday but that's okay! No one really gives a shit! It's been a great day! Had Sushi by one of the most awesome people I know! Thank you God that I'm still alive!!!!

Another Long Day

9:59AM At the house again trying to finish up all the tedious detail work here. Ryan found a new guy to help him work on his granite and since we no longer have a home we still have to come here to fab everything up. Kinda going down some familiar paths, I can practically tell you what is going to happen in the next couple weeks. But that's another long story. And talking about long, it's going to be another long day! I am so glad that we have the best Baby anyone could ever ask for. He is so good and doesn't give us one ounce of troubles. He is awesome! He just travels with us and goes with the flow! 

12:57PM Grouting, painting, moving granite, taking care of Baby and trying not to go completely crazy. (I forgot my meds this morning by the way because I was rushed) I know it doesn't seem like much but this goes on, on a daily basis and honestly the battle is more in my head! "What the hell am I doing?" Is this what I'm going to do the rest of my life with this person?" "What about MY hopes and dreams (which he told me were unrealistic anyway)?" I feel used, I feel stuck, I feel unloved, I feel under appreciated, I feel ugly, blah blah blah!

1:11PM Okay I love to follow other peoples Blogs cause it's awesome to  see what other people are doing and honestly it's entertaining, it's like my new TV although I don't really get time for myself to sit down and watch TV, oddly enough every chance I get to sit down with my computer I do have time for that! Anyways, I was reading another person's Blog and she expressed how people on here are sometimes fake and only blog about their awesome lives and aren't always real about shit! Ha I don't even know who I'm talking to (ha myself) because I have absolutely not one person who follows the shit I write about and I am perfectly happy about that! I usually journal my life in a private, paper to pencil fashion but I decided to blog cause a part of me just wants to be heard I guess. But since no one is hearing me that's just frickin awesome! I'll write to myself like I always do! But this is just a glimpse of who I am.....

I'm a simple girl yet complicated, I sometimes confuse the shit out of myself. And not in a witty way either. Sometimes I just generally confuse the shit out of myself. I'm straight up, so I either just say it like it is or like most of the time, don't say anything at all! Somethings are just better left unsaid. I can be quiet at times and can either come off boring or crazy fun. Whatever so, It just depends on my mood that day. Ha I bet you'd be bored already if you were reading this! I love to write but I'm not the most awesome clever writer like some of you bloggers out there! There is a deeper part of me on the inside. I've just discovered that there are so  many shallow people out there. People can be so absorbed in themselves, not to say that I'm not at times selfish, I am, God knows but some people can be so blind to what is going on around them in the world their only concern is for them selves. I surely don't have a heart to be one of those people. God help me! But who am I really?? It's kinda pathetic I suppose. At times I think very highly of myself, such as, I have worth and should never settle for anything that doesn't bring me happiness in all aspects of my life. I can do all things if I put my mind, heart and soul into it. etc. you get the picture. And sometimes I just think the worst of myself. Like I'm ruined and damaged goods, I'm not smart enough, I'm not good enough, etc. It's just a continuous battle that wars inside of me. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking on a tight rope and I'm just fighting to stay on the rope and to not fall on either side to my death! It's sick cause I lOVE people and have this earnest desire to just help the whole world ya know? But another part of me HATES every human being on the face of this earth including myself because I am one of them! What's up with that huh? I know your thinking, "Lady you need some help," and I do! Like every other person on this block, I take meds and talk to therapist okay! But ITS NOT WORKING! I still teeter totter with this Good and evil every single day! 

I'm going to be 30 years old next Sunday, I think that's May 2nd right? Anyways, I'm hoping no one will remember in which nobody probably will. Ryan can't even remember my cell number much less my birthday, or how to spell my real name for that matter. I just don't know what the hell I am doing with my life! I am actually a planner. I love to write everything down including hour to hour daily schedules. It's madness. But just when I think I have it all figured out, Life pops out of from whatever it's doing and just fucks me over! I love to see family blogs or these stay at home mom's who have awesome hobbies and get to have these crazy fun lives going on vacations and take pictures of their kids all day and scrapbook. I'm not judging cause I know half of them have these secret shitty lives but seriously, I still don't have my shit together! I am a 30 year old woman (God where does time g0) I actually have 3 children. A 14 year old son, A 10 year old daughter from a previous 9 year marriage and 15 year relationship from HELL! And now I have a 3 month old son with someone who I am madly in love with but isn't madly in love with me! He doesn't say it but I could tell by the way he treats me. I'm more of a convenience for him than I am a companion. He's everything I've ever wanted and everything I ever didn't want! That's what I get for diving into something too soon before really giving time a chance to really show who a person really is. All I've ever wanted was a family of my own and to be happy. Ryan wasn't the first one I loved after Shrek (That's what I call my EX)! It was Shawn, but he didn't love me back either...at the time. But I've loved Ryan more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. I don't think he realizes this but he found my heart on the floor and rescued me. I love him so much and it's fading. You see people, it is true when they say, that you never know what you have until you loose it! And Ryan is going to loose me and I'm not saying I'm some kind of piece of artwork, but I am genuine and will do anything for the ones I love and I think that's a rare find. There are many rare pearls in the sea but whose willing to dive for the perfect one for them? Maybe I'm a rare pearl but keep getting thrown back into the sea. I dunno but I've literally lost my shell! lol. I'm a little dinked up now! Anyways, I guess I'm just realizing that maybe it's time to accept the bad choices I have made and just deal with them and the imprints they have made in my life. I'd rather be alone and happy than to be with someone and miserable. 

6:44PM. I told you it was going to be a long day! We are still here and only half way finished with the work that needs to be done. I'm sprawled out on the floor with Baby next to me. We've talked to customers, posted Craigslist ads, eaten chicken sandwiches & tacos (which I secretly stuffed in my face and got caught cause I waited 6 hours to eat and was starving), gone through 6 feeding bottles, painted, grouted, blogging, etc. My friends are in NB right now completely hammered! I wish I was with them. Honestly they hardly even invite me anymore since Baby came, until they are oblivious! Then they text me, "Gett ovr hre u sexyy ass!" Whatever! I had so much fun with them Tuesday night. I left Baby with Ryan and I drove 40 minutes out to Cinderella's. We had soooo  much fun running around the house drink n booze, cuddling stuffed animal kitties, taking walks, scavenger hunts, and the theme was love so we were reading everyones scrapbooks they made for each other which I actually started one for Ryan but never continued to finish it. Things just lets say, changed. Anyways, it was awesomeness! 

~Mandybird

 

We are pretty much finished putting everything in storage.  I'm sitting here in an empty apartment wondering what the hell just happened? Are we really starting fresh or was this just a result of selfish ambition, stupidity or because no one knows how to manage their money? I mean, God forgive me for not working right now, I just had a baby! Or maybe it's because I always imagined if we moved out it would make it easier for me to leave him. Anyways, I've just been his little dummy. I can't even take a shit without doing him a favor while I'm on the toilet. And he won't even lift a finger for me if I begged him. I'm over here lifting hundred pound pieces of granite because he asked me to, to say the least. Today I said I wanted to go to a Renaissance Fair and he said yeah you should. I was thinking family event and he was thinking, go on your fucking own! Whatever. I've been driving him around all day with Baby and even now as we write, I take a second for myself and he's asking me to do this and to do that. Is this all that I really am? His fucking robot? I left the first one because I wasted 15 years of my life catering to an abusive shit and now here I'm diving head first into the same shit with someone whose what? Cuter! Ha I don't think so! I'm just really frustrated! I wish I could morph myself into another person, walk straight up to myself, cause God knows I don't have a fucking doorstep, and slap me in the face! Can someone do this for me Pleaseee! 

~Mandybird

I was over the day by 9AM this morning. Emotionally and physically drained. 

~Mandybird

Moving

Still moving. I feel like a bird whose fallen out of it's nest. 

~Mandybird